A Very Merry Christmas to Most of You!
Seasonal Greetings from a Cheery Mil and Margret
and Festive Cursory Nods from their two Largely Indifferent Children
Once again, friends, families, colleagues, associates and acquaintances, we send a big Fröhliche Weihnachten to those we have gone another twelve months without successfully alienating. Some of you, of course, will be included here in error – such is the number of unwanted relatives, unintended friends and unspeakable workmates it’s inevitable a few email addresses will have been included by mistake. To most of you, however, Best Wishes.
Having remained happily unmarried since well before the children were born right until the present - rather than going for the trendy divorces so popular nowadays among young people and communists - it will come as no surprise that we are a traditional family with traditional values. It’s important to us, therefore, to keep in mind that it’s called ‘Christmas’ for a reason. Let us never forget that this special time of year is a celebration of Father Christmas. That's a simple fact, but one seemingly lost on those who appear determined to take the ‘Father’ out of ‘Christmas’. And so, this year’s card features Margret on her annual yuletide, fancy dress, mountain bike ride, dressed as Father Christmas. It’s symbolic.
1) Snow. Symbolic. Britain shuts down completely on the ten days, every year, when it unexpectedly snows, every year. Be not proud. By the whims of Nature, we are reminded that we are lazy and inefficient.
2) Cold. Symbolic. In the comfort of our warm homes it’s easy to forget the less fortunate. Time and circumstances will come for all of us sooner or later. None is too young to age, none too vivid to fade away. Remember the forgotten. Remember a Christmas long, long ago and who was born on that day. Kenny Everett.
3) Beard. Symbolic. Note how the distorting pull of the fake beard, plus chilling air and a bike helmet, warps Margret’s face so she looks a bit like Björk. OK, so that’s not strictly symbolic... but is it something I’ll be closing my eyes and thinking about, at favourable moments.
4) German. Symbolic. Germany gave us the ‘Christmas tree’ – so named because it's a woody plant with apical dominance – the opportunity for heart-warming seasonal football matches between the trenches, and the woman here dressed in an unflattering red suit. And, in the continued spirit of giving, with luck it'll give multiple millions to bail out the whole of the European economy again several times before the New Year.
5) Rips. Symbolic. If you’re happy now, in a moment you’re bound to discover you’ve been photographed with a big rip in the crotch of your trousers. Symbolic of life generally, there.
All right, that’s it. Go now. Eat mince pies.
xxx