Mil's Mailing List Mail #39

I feel it's important that I talk to you about Jessica Alba. Sometimes, one simply has to make a stand.

However, before I get on to that, I must give out some book info. I find this all tremendously embarrassing, but I know from experience that, if I don't mention it, I'll get bombarded by emails haranguing me for failing to keep you all up to date or something. Right, so, my latest nov - Love and Other Near Death Experiences - is out on the 19th of January 2006 in all the English-speaking nations, and just slightly later (the 14th of February) in the US. Though I haven't yet put a link on the TMGAIHAA page for general Web vagrants to soil with their half-comprehending eyes, there is - for you, my special friends - a little bit about it here:
http://microurl.com/mil/LAONDE
Astonishingly, my colonial publisher sent me a second US review quote the other day - which was again very positive. America starting to like my writing? I fear the country has lost its way. (Incidentally, Rachel at Borders in Norman, Oklahoma, tells me that she's going to stack the copies of LAONDE there in the window. So, could every person in the US who's going to buy it please make a point of getting it from Borders in Norman, Oklahoma? This might persuade her manager that she made the right decision and thus reward her with the Employee of the Year blouse. And, whether it does or not, it strikes me as a very funny image anyway. I mean, 'Norman, Oklahoma' - that's comedy gold before you even start to build on it, right?)

So, that's that. You could have bought LAONDE as part of Buy a Friend a Book Week
http://www.dhamel.com/buyafriendabook
Except it wasn't out then, and the week's over now anyway. Try to be more organised in future.

The one other thing I really ought to mention is that, because my editor moved publishers and threatened to spill everything she knew about what's in my attic if I didn't go with her, I'm now published by Weidenfeld & Nicolson. They've bought the rights to TMGAIHAA and ACC from Hodder too, and are reissuing them under new W&N covers.
http://microurl.com/mil/TMGAIHAA+WN
http://microurl.com/mil/ACC+WN
(Oh, and the eagerly-awaited Hebrew version of ACC is now out as well
http://microurl.com/mil/ACC+Hebrew
providing people in Tel Aviv with something amusing to read while the peace process derails.)
So, if you see those redesigned books, do not fall into the trap of believing they are sequels, and immediately buying five copies of each. They are the same books inside. Of course, if you haven't already bought them - due to only recently waking from a coma or being confined to your house by chronic menopausal flushes, say - then by all means buy the new-style versions. Just don't accidentally buy them if you've already got the originals, OK? I know W&N would feel guilty as hell if that happened.

Rightio, I'm done with all the nov nonsense, and I must catch a train to Oxford to (Lord help me) do that 'literary cabaret' thing shortly, so let's crack on with Ms Alba.

I do not fancy Jessica Alba. This is a problem that must be addressed, because it's an issue that could otherwise get out of hand. The trouble is, she's obviously intended to appeal to me - the geeky, Internet male - and at first glance, one says, 'Yes, Jessica. You're female. You're under eighty-five years old. And you're given to playing plucky women in off-beat/sci-fi settings. Climb on.' But, when you really look, she's simply not very attractive. What's more (and this is the crucial thing - it's what we have to nip in the bud before it becomes the norm), she's not the first. Jennifer Garner - Alias; martial arts; red wigs; cool; she's very... Hold on. No: she actually looks like her face was stopped halfway through being morphed into Frozone from the Incredibles.

Now, don't get me wrong, I not saying that all women have to be attractive. For a start, if that were the case, where would Safeway get their staff? I'm not even saying that I'm able only to have sordid fantasies about conventionally good-looking women - I go for quirky, personality/intellect-driven charm in a big way too. Definitely. I would, for example, like to do things to Janeane Garofalo that, sadly, currently remain legal only in parts of Louisiana. What I'm saying is that we're being treated badly here. Time was when Alyson Hannigan - my future wife - was, more than acceptably, given to us to dribble over. The women offered up as gorgeous, nerd-magnets genuinely delivered the goods, Now, with the implicit declaration that This Is An Uber-Minx, we're being palmed off (if you'll forgive the phrase), with the likes of J Alba and J Garner. It is, frankly, a form of abuse. I really, really don't need to be watching The Fantastic Four and find myself thinking, 'Ffff - when are we going to get back to Michael Chiklis?' With that kind of thing feeding subliminally into your brain for any length of time, the next thing you know you find it's somehow a year later and you have lots of tremendously well-tailored shirts and a comprehensive Barbra Streisand collection.

But it's not just about me. My girlfriend regards it as her right to be able to watch films with me, and glare searingly at my face during the times that someone like, say, Kate Beckinsale, is on screen: searching for the slightest quiver in my features which she is then able to extrapolate into a series of accusations and demands that culminate in my spending the night sleeping in the bath. If Alba's up there she feels cheated.

Therefore, let's join together and say, 'Enough,' OK? If not for my sake, then for the sake of society in general. If not for the sake of society in general, then to avoid putting Margret in a Code Red bad mood. (And everyone on this planet has a vested interest in not putting Margret in a Code Red in a bad mood: Margret in a Code Red bad mood makes the comet impact that wiped out the dinosaurs look like someone knocking over a table lamp).

Please spend the rest of the day thinking about this rather than doing any work. You can inform any interfering boss that - as it is, essentially, a charitable cause - it's tax deductible.

Mil.