23rd August 2007	A Readers' Evening - with Roger Ellory - at Shenstone Library. Readings. Chatting. Refreshments. Etc.
13th October 2007	The Birmingham Book Festival. I'm doing the Writing Comic Fiction workshop. I will be indicating things with a stick.
17th October 2007	The Guildford Book Festival. 8.30pm, The Electric Theatre - with Helen Lederer and Lucy Mangan. Now... then. I'm apparently in the second half of the 'Girls' Night' event. That's the 'Girls' Night'. Slightly worrying, until I see that there is another man on the bill, in the first half. But - ah - it's Julian Clary. I return to slightly worrying.
20th October 2007	The Birmingham Book Festival (again). Reading a short story for Radio 4. That's to say, the short story they commissioned me to write (via the pointing fingers of the Babe in Arms book group) will be recorded here by listening to my mouth with electricity. Five writers were commissioned to produce stories, and - I believe - all five of us will be reading/recording the results at this event. What could possibly go wrong, eh?
10th November 2007	Coventry Readers' Day. Warwick Arts Centre. Crime writer Lindsey Davis, two other authors and me. A general discussion/orgy, from what I can see.
26th February 2008	Central Library, West Bromwich (which appears to look like it was built by the Victorians to house unwed mothers and arsonists). Some kind of 'Comedy Writers' evening, apparently - Paul McDonald and Mike Gayle will be there too.
28th March	The Afternoon Reading prog (Radio 4, 3.30pm) is broadcasting the recording of me using lips to speak my short story at the Birmingham Book Festival, above. It's on the wireless, natch, but will also be available as a Listen Again on their webpage for a limited seven days. Technology, eh? Dizzying. (I mention this even though it's not a physical appearance because it is, essentially, an audio short story for free.)
30th May 2008	A 'Friday Late' at the Victoria & Albert Museum. This particular Friday Late is being ruled by Bad Idea (and, let's not forget, here) and they've asked me to take part in one of the events. Thus: "LECTURE THEATRE LEVEL 3: Discussion Panel, THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE KEYBOARD. Writing and reading habits are changing rapidly in the face of cultural, economic, and technological developments. Has this aided the cause of quality literature and writing though? Is the “democratisation” of publishing via the Web leading to more amateur forms of expression? Or are the ‘literary luddites’ out of touch and holding back the form? Chaired by Mil Millington. Panelists: Tom Bromley - Chief Editor of Portico Books. Charlie Campbell - Ed Victor Agency." I'm practising to be able to pull off a penetrating gaze while tapping my teeth with a pencil.
28th June 2008 (STOP PRESS: NOW POSTPONED UNTIL NOVEMBER)	10.00am - 3.00pm. A 'Readers' Day' at Birmingham Central Library. I'm doing this with Helen Cross, Rachel Ingrams and Saumya Balsari. Readings, discussions, tea from those white china cups that can be stacked twelve high but with handles too small for you to get your fingers through them. No doubt.
23rd July 2008	7.30pm - 9.00pm-ish. Me rambling about stuff (and probably reading from Instructions for Living Someone Else's Life, probably for the first time publicly; so expect it to be shambolic) at Wolverhampton Central Library. Well, actually, just behind it at the Alan Garner Centre in Old Hall Street. Also, I'm off to Berlin early the next morning, so it's quite likely that I'll be over-excited to the point of inappropriateness. (UPDATE: Well, that was sweaty but fun wasn't it, eh? And, hey - Szuzika: drop me an email. You're the very last person I expected to see there, hence my stunned expression. I really wanted to have a chat and hear what you'd been up to though, but, by the time I'd finished signing books, you were gone.)
15th October 2008	9.00am - 11.00am, Hall Green Library. Talking, reading, perhaps juggling, if someone there can juggle.
16th October 2008	9.00pm - 10.15pm, Birmingham Conservatoire, 'The Write Offs!'. As part of the Birmingham Book Festival, I've been cajoled into in some sort of nightmarish quiz with writers Paul McDonald, Ian McMillan and Clare Brown. I have no memory for names, dates, faces, events, or any other categories of thing (which I've forgotten to include), so the prospect of doing this, quite frankly, numbs me with horror. Still, I'm always happy to support the Festival, even if it's by merely staring out at an audience with my tiny, pleading eyes.
12th May 2009	Brighton Fringe Festival. St Andrew's Church, Waterloo Street, Hove. I'm there to talk about Literature and Comedy with author Robert Rankin. A friend has organised this event, so I'm quite looking forward to it - it should be all very easy going, and probably not really 'end' but merely 'transfer to a nearby pub'. Oh look - she's done a Facebook page for it HERE. (Which you can see only if you're a Facebook user, of course. Goodo. Yet another reason for me to hate Facebook there.)
14th October 2009	Birmingham Book Festival. An evening of, doubtless, wit and sophistication with Catherine O'Flynn, Mike Gayle and me, related to the book 'Paint a Vulgar Picture: Fiction Inspired by The Smiths'. To which we've all contributed short stories. Otherwise having us there for an evening related to it would be a bit odd. It's at the Birmingham Conservatoire, kicks off at 7.15pm, and is apparently £6.00 (£4.50 concessions).
21st Novermber 2009	The Writers' Toolkit. This is of interest only to writers and people within the writing industry - that's to say, it's not a thing that people in general would find much fun: it's essentially a West Midlands writing conference. Still, I'm there - sitting on a couple of panels during the day - and there'll be workshops and seminars and probably a fight.
12th December 2009	Hmmm... an interesting day, this one. A workshop, then dinner, then - by the look of the venue - we'll probably find the Colonel lying murdered in the study, the door locked from the inside. It's certainly an elegant setting for an event and I'm intrigued to see how it goes. STOP PRESS. This has been postponed, due to the house subsiding. I'll let you know the new date - after they've had building repairs done. Though, quite honestly, I'd have thought doing a workshop in a place that could at any second suffer structural collapse would add a delicious frisson of excitement.

America.
Just to short circuit all the emails I keep getting asking when I'll be visiting America, let me assure you of the situation here: I will never be visiting America. This isn't remotely because I hate Americans, nor because I wouldn't enjoy visiting the country (I'm sure it'd be interesting to do all the things that English tourists do when they're over there - see the sights, buy some souvenirs, get shot), it's just simple common sense. Publishers only send you to places if they believe that the related publicity will sell enough books to cover their paying for you to go. It makes sense, for example, for my UK publisher to buy my train ticket to London so I can do a TV spot or the Swedish one to bring me over to give lots of press interviews and play the role of 'Man who looks on, shocked yet aroused' in a porn film being made by the state broadcasting network. It makes no sense at all for my US publisher to ship me over to America, where no one in the media would want anything to do with me, just so I can chat with some of you - people who probably have the books already. Sorry, but that's the heartless reality of it, and I can't imagine any possibility of it changing in the future. I'll think of you all whenever WWE comes on the TV, though - promise.

 

Also, in fact, Australia

Lucy at Hodder did mention to me the other day that I'd been invited out to Australia - to Perth, I think. She told whoever was doing the inviting that I wouldn't be going, though. And she was right. Again, I'd love to visit but, as I don't fly, the journey out to Australia would actually take longer than I'm currently expected to live.