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Q: Is there a 'Things My Girlfriend And I Have Argued About' Book'?
A: No! No, hold on, Yes!
Q: You seem unsure. Is there or not, Bum-face?
A: Yes, there is. It is, however, a novel. A work of fiction loooooooooosely 'inspired' by the Things page. It is not a collection of the stuff on this site, bound together and printed (nothing in the book, in fact, has ever appeared on the Web or in the Guardian). That would be LAZY AND EVIL.
Q: When is it out?
A: Now. Everywhere in the English-speaking world.
Q: Where - in the unlikely event that I'd want to - can I buy it?
A: Bookshops. Go into any bookshop in the English-speaking world and ask for it. It's published by Hodder (Flame) everywhere except the US, where it's published by Villard.
Q: Going into a bookshop would make me appear some kind of intellectual. Living human beings would imagine me the kind of person who 'reads' - 'reads' 'novels', moreover. I'd prefer to hide my literacy behind the cover of a soulless, shopping basket web-script and, after postage, probably end up paying extra as a result. Could I buy it online?
A: Tsk - the tiny children of bookshop assistants are starving to death, you know? Anyway, Amazon UK sells it, as does Amazon US. The Weekly Corner Shop also might have a few copies left, if you're the kind of person who thinks it's funny to make me cycle to the post office.
Q: Is it, um... well, is it any good?
A: Not for me to say. The Guardian certainly liked it, as they were lovely enough to choose it as one of their Five Best British First Novels of 2002. I itch with unease at this kind of thing, but there are some collected review quotes from the UK, US and Australian press... I place them, at arm's length, here.
Q: Is it quite long?
A: What do you think?
Q: What about the non-English-speaking world?
A: There's a Swedish translation, published by B Wahlströms, which is available 'at all good bookstores' (I did sign a single copy that was on the shelf in a bookshop in Stockholm, in fact - it'll be worth millions) or, for example, here. Prometheus have done a Dutch translation, 'Waar mijn vriendin en ik ruzie over maken.' (here). (With the Netherlands and Sweden already on board, I am, of course, hoping for a Finnish publisher to come forward, so that I can have a clean sweep of the porn countries.) Goldmann, who are part of German Random House, have published a German translation called 'Tausend Dinge, über die ich mich mit meiner Freundin immer streite' (here). ' Spain? Yes. It's published by Alfaguara. Croatia. Aye - 'Stvari oko kojih sam se natezao sa svojom curom', published by Mirakul and available here. Japan? Astonishingly, yes, there's a Japanese translation - is that not pretty much the funniest thing you've ever heard? It's here. There's also a Russian translation, published by Phantom, but I don't know much about that. Ditto the Serbian translation (OKO CEGA SMO SE SVE MOJA DEVOJKA I JA SVAĞALI - quite obviously) published by Laguna and available here - actually, you can download something like the first twenty pages as a free, 'taster' .pdf. The thrills.
Q: Can I go now?
A: OK, then. Could you post this letter for me if you're passing a post box? I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
The 'Love and Other Near Death Experiences' Novel
The 'A Certain Chemistry' Novel